What is the difference between a complaint and a statement? If theres anyone with a better set of social skills here to help a dude out lol
Ie when you’re chilling watching TV and somebody asks you to go out, but you respond with no thanks, I’m tired. Would stating you’re tired be considered a complaint?
Just had a similar action with an NT friend, who says I complain about being tired a lot. When I look back and I never bring it up unprompted, and they comment on my mood so i tell them whats up… is there some social thing which simply stating you feel negative is seen as a complaint?
Edit: thanks so much for all the comments! I should have been more specific, the examples I gave were not my actual experiences. In fact if I were to be more specific, it’s my roommate that made me think about this, and they never want to go out lol. But I can still gain some insight from the comments! But it was much more generalized. Actual interaction: we are going about our day and my roommate casually asks “hey how are ya” and I respond “a bit tired!” And they remark on how I complain about being tired a lot. Which surprised me because I was answering their question, and not getting long winded into it. Then it dawned on me maybe simply stating I feel negative is seen as a complaint by people. Iunno.
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A complaint is a statement that there is a problem.
There really are a lot of people who think it’s in general wrong/unpleasant/to be avoided, to say anything negative ever. Only positive, mood-building statements are socially acceptable. This seems to be a regional thing and quite controversial; look up “toxic positivity”.
From your description it could be your friend is in that camp but I doubt it; sounds to me more like your friend might mean something anywhere along the line from, “you say no to activities when I want you to say yes” through “I’m surprised how often you’re tired” to “you seem tired more often than is healthy; something is wrong”
Your roommate was probably just exchanging pleasantries, and the appropriate response would be a short, positive answer and an ask in return. Personally I think it’s dumb to ask how people are if you don’t want an honest answer, but it’s just one of those things neurotypicals say when they mean another. If it makes you uncomfortable to say you’re good when you’re not, you could just ignore the ‘how are you’ part and respond something like “hey man, how’s it going?” or “good to see you; how are you doing?”
Great answers already!
Touching another point: when you hear “always” it could be literally about the frequency. Saying “I’m tired not this evening” will be perceived as a complaint when it’s the sixths night in a row for example.
The social clues are hard to spot I admit: often, “how are you” for example only has very few socially acceptable answers. That depends on your country and social environment though.
If you have a close friend within that group I recommend just asking them! Showing that you are conscious of their feedback will most likely be very well received.
I love that you’re learning and listening!
Good luck, friend :)
Sidenote: If someone asks how I do, I tell them. In a friendly and not detailed way but thats all I can muster. If thats ok for them, great. If not, their problem.
I‘m the first person to jump if someone is in a chrisis but I cant be bothered to play these games.
Make any sense?
Yeah makes sense. I suggest though you check in on yourself with one part: “if not, their problem”
Hypothesis: If that’s the case you wouldn’t have created the OP.
This is intended purely as food for thought so - chances are high that I’m straight wrong. Still worth thinking about it in my opinion, just to be sure!
I’m not sure I understand you correctly.
I do care what others feel. But their assumptions are not my concern. Does that make clearer?
If I ask you how you feel, I want the truth, nothing else. If you want to tell me, fine. If you dont want to tell me, fine as well.
What I intended to say is that it’s possible that you do care about their assumptions - more precisely how they behave based on their assumptions.
Because if that is the case than it could be worth the energy to train social reaction patterns (if that’s possible at all, excuse my lack of knowledge!)
The more you learn about your own reactions the better you know where to spend the very limited amount of emotional energy every person has - that’s the reason why I brought it up in the first place.
To put it in another way: assumptions and feelings are very closely related and exploring this connection could be time and energy well spent.
If you have a close person who knows you well you could ask them this question by the way - at least for me it’s sometimes easier to see patterns for others than within myself!
I see. But I dont think I do. Assumptions are very rarely a good thing and I dont think I want to learn something like being less direct for some dance.
Maybe the others want to learn to be more direct and truthful.
A complaint is just a statement of something being wrong. It sounds like your friend might be concerned with your health. Being tired all the time isn’t good.
But also, are you tired? Or are you avoiding socialization because it’s too difficult? Or some other thing? Being honest with them and yourself about the real reason you don’t want to go can help.
Mmm, I am actually tired 24/7. Yes, definitely need to figure that out. But I understand enough that a casual “hey how are ya” isn’t actually asking about my day, but a passing greeting. So I try to respond accordingly, but with a dash of truth because I hate lying. APPARENTLY my assessment isn’t good enough because a negative response isn’t correct//its complaining. Whoops. Added to my notebook lol. Thanks :)
I don’t see complaining as a negative. Though that might be a problem of mine? But it IS complaining, so if someone hates people being honest but negative, I can see that being an issue.
But I complain all the time. I find it a great way to bond with some people.
I find that a good set of responses to the greeting question are approximately this: Good/Great - When that’s truthfully how well the day is going OK/Alright - When things aren’t good but aren’t distinctly bad Not Great/Could be better - When it feels like everything is going wrong
Not dishonest to the best of my perception just stripped of context that could be seen as complaints. If they ask for clarification on ‘not great’ then feel free to complain.
I think some of the comments here are missing a really important point - existing in a NT world is exhausting and it’s valid and important for you to be tired and want to rest. Personally, I try to only have people around me who understand that, I see no point getting stressed about complying with “social expectations” and what someone else thinks of my needs.
(and to be clear, of curse there is room for compromise and communication, but if after explaining the other person still doesn’t get that you need more downtime and that you’re not complaining but rather stating matter of fact, and they keep taking it personally and making it about them, are they really accepting you for who you are? Isn’t that what friendship should be?)
“being tired” is a legitimate reason to not want to hang out, it is also an easy excuse with no descernable evidence. Used once it’s believable, used lots of times it starts to “feel” like a fake excuse or even a lie.
If your friend thinks you complain about being tired a lot, they are (very likely) trying to say that you’re not putting the effort into the friendship they believe they deserve out if you.
As has been said in other comments, it might help to give examples of times where you’ll be less tired. Or just invite that friend out at those times.
A friendship dies take effort from both people to maintain. Breaking your cosy sofa time is effort, but if the friend means enough to you then you will sometimes make that effort to see them.
