I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
Good may happen to me but the good things require work I’m not capable of and bad things come free of charge and require you to actively get rid of them. It could be with maths, English, employment or education I’ve always been slower than everyone else. I love the thought of being loved so that keeps me sometimes but I feel like a steamroller in a car race with lamborghinis. I just want to give up.