I am of the age to have kids, some of my friends have them, but I have mixed feelings about it, just wondering about other people’s experiences.
No and no. I don’t think I’d want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.
Those are both among the main arguments I have against having any.
Not in this economy u.u
I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:
The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.
They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.
I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.
Early 30s and no.
- the world has enough people
- I have no interest in giving up my comforts for another being right now
- I never asked to be here and I hate that I am most of the time so why would I force that on another being
- if I ever change my mind and am in a good enough spot economically I will just adopt. imo if I can’t afford to adopt then I can’t afford a child and I’m fine with that.
- I’m stoked about being the weird/cool auntie, parenthood would take that away from me
I have to daughters, and my personal experience has been overwhelmingly positive.
By that I do NOT mean that it’s convenient - it absolutely is not. It’s stressful, and all hedonistic pleasures go down the drain for a period of time. But they give my life meaning in a way few other things can.
So my wife and I are child-free by choice. I’m in a rare position that I wind up speaking to many people in-depth about their lives, and the folks who have children talk about raising their kids all the time.
If I’m honest, many, many days I think “the moral of the story here is do not have kids, foks”.
That’s not to say that it’s all bad for everyone, but it is very bad for a lot of people. Essentially, their lives become exclusively about managing their children’s problems. Everyone thinks their children will be well mannered, sweet and thoughtful little guys who will fill their hearts with joy and purpose. The reality is many children are little nightmares with behavior problems that don’t seem to improve no matter how much work they put into seeing child psychologists and play therapists- every single day they spend 3-4 hours trying to calm their kid down as they fly into an uncontrollable rage, overturning tables and swinging their arms as hard as they can at the care givers and their parents. They want to help their kids learn how to control their feelings but they can’t. It’s really sad. The parents live in hell a little, every hour of the day is spent trying to manage their screaming, raging child.
I will also tell you that many people have tried to convince me over the years that we should have children. Family members, neighbors, co-workers… I also once had a neighbor (who’s kids were little terrors, I once saw one take a swing at his face because he was being punished, and they also once threw BIG rocks over the wall separating our properties without seeing where they’d land) say to me: “You just get to do whatever you want, don’t you?” when I was getting in the car to leave to go work remotely out in the countryside for a week.
My point is people don’t often tell you how hard it can be, most people lie and say that it’s great. At least half a dozen times I’ve had parents say “now I don’t wish that my child was gone or would never have been born as such, but I do often long for a life where I didn’t have to take care of them all the time”. Like they DO wish they never had kids, but they have to be careful to say they don’t want their child to disappear because its too dark of a thing to say.
Eh, I’ve got five kids and they run the gamut from incredibly cool to assholes. One is pretty accomplished professionally and made sure to find ways for both her dad and me (step-dad) in her wedding. Another went no contact over the divorce/remarriage of her mom. Another has struggled with addiction and mental health, but has overcome the former at least and recently graduated and is working as a nurse. The last two are still at home and one has emotional issues and some autism and weaponized incompetence, the other is hard working and responsible and has drive balanced with emotional maturity (though hormones are kicking in so…)
In my opinion, there is too much emphasis on being perfect parents and having perfect kids leading perfect lives. We love them all and make sure they know it. We try to set healthy boundaries and allow them the same. But at the end of the day, they are people and they are going to struggle and much of that is out of our control beyond being here with advice and help in times of crisis.
And even the assholes are pretty cool in their own right. Not fun to parent, but still people who I think are great to have in your life.
I do occasionally lament the path not taken, but if I didn’t have kids this would be the path I lament. (Probably just a smaller house and nicer vacations.)
I’m not trying to convince you, but I want to put in a word as a parent of assholes who sometimes daydreams about where my life might be without kids. It was a good decision for me. And if I didn’t have them to be accountable to, my depression might well have gotten hold of me in a moment of weakness and I wouldn’t be here to write this. My kids don’t make me happy (well, sometimes) and it’s not their job to, but I’m very glad I had them.
Yeah, whenever people describe what it’s like to have children or whenever I happen to observe it for myself, it looks like literal hell on earth. People try to choose their words carefully to not say how miserable they are, but I can see it. You can’t even sleep anymore. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture technique.
And I mean…I get that some people have to have kids in order for the human race to continue to exist. And I’m glad my parents had me and that I got to experience life. But I just don’t know that I could do that myself. I don’t think that I could selflessly endure torture every day for years and years just to try to help another human being survive. I would like to think that I am a giving person, but not to that degree.
Early 30s and no, I won’t have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:
- I barely hold it together on a day to day basis, I can’t imagine having to put my needs aside and care for someone else 24/7 for decades.
- The current state of the world is frightening, I would feel horrible putting someone in whatever will happen in the years to come.
- I have a high chance of transmitting my ADHD/ASD (my family is pretty much all ADHD/ASD) and I don’t want to willingly put someone through that, even with a good support system.
- More money, more time
- I have nieces and nephews, so I can be the cool uncle whenever I want.
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No, no, and no.
I was born into a dying world. Before I was old enough to have a say, my elders sold our planet to corporations. Now, fascism is rising across the globe, global temperatures are reaching critical levels, and we’re circling the drain of late-stage capitalism. To introduce new life to this world would be a mistake. I would never damn anyone else to my fate.
I’ve had to break off het relationships over not wanting to children, but I’ve never regretted it. If anything, each new horror that happens reinforces my vow.
I have 1 year old twins.
It’s been a tough road all the way along. Years of IVF, complex and stressful pregnancy, some serious health issues at first. Everyone fit and well now.
It’s kind of odd to be asked whether I regret anything. Like do I regret having an arm, or do I regret that the world is round.
I will say that it’s a genuine privilege to be involved in their lives every day and to be with them when they experience things.
I’m 41. I decided I didn’t want kids when I was probably 14 or 15. I do not regret the decision at all, and believe that if I were 11 today, I’d probably make the decision as an 11 year old and not wait so long until I’m 14 or 15.
Is like to, but I won’t before I’m in a good enough life situation, and either seems improbable or very far away, and while men can definitely have kids to very late in life, I don’t want to wear diapers at the same time as my kids might.
So yeah, mixed feelings.
If I won the lotto right now and found a spouse, sure. Out side from that, nah, prolly not.
Waht I regret pf having kids is my financial situation and who I had kids with. I should have chosen better but I was stupid and naive back in the day…
Have kids. The only regret is the world we brought them into. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. But we have many fears about their future. We still thought the world could be saved with recycling and buying efficient cars. Dubya was an anomaly. Things would return to their boring 1990’s progression. Not anymore.
Climate change is essentially unstoppable at this point, the only choices are how bad it will be. Politics globally seem to be shifting to right wing populism, nationalism, fascism. Good luck if your kids aren’t straight, white males. Economically the system stopped making sense. Worthless companies worth billions. Billionaires with private space programs. A new gilded age with widening disparity. Companies literally paying homage to the new “king” hoping for some kind of investiture or favor.
E: point being the world is pointed in an objectively worse direction.
I have kids, I love them but I regret having kids with my toxic wife
