AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical function,” said CEO Elon Musk, whose announcement came as a shock to the team of 500 Tesla workers responsible for the electric vehicles’ braking systems. “As the brakes never really worked anyway, we figured the team’s existence was redundant. Going forward, none of our models will be outfitted with brakes. Instead, we will shift our efforts to making fart noises louder.” At press time, Tesla staffers responsible for wheels were reportedly nervous after receiving an ominous meeting request from HR.
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Brakes just slow you down anyway…
It’s all a conspiracy promoted by big slow to sell less fast!
TBH, the Onion has to have a hard time these days trying to outdo reality, but this honestly got me for half a second.
The fact that it wasn’t obvious that this headline was satire until I looked at the URL, really says something about Elon.
Tesla about to drop the Flintmobile
Man it’s been awhile since I’ve seen a theonion post. This had me for a hot minute
Brakes are for pussies
brakes are woke and socialist and full of CRT, real Americans stick their foot out the door and shred their boots on the road to stop their car
Real AmericansTM already having braking procedures figured out.
