Hello, I(31M) guess I will begin from the start of this relationship. I became friends with Kay(24F) who is a is an ENM relationship with Jon(24M). Kay and I really hit it off and began being intimate. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. While Kay and I were chilling Jon came home and was so upset he could barely contain himself. Kay’s demeanor changed as well. I just ignored it. The next time I was going to chill with Kay, she couldn’t because Jon needed to “apparently process something”. A week later I met up with Kay and she said she was overwhelmed and couldn’t hang out as often. I just took it at face value. I haven’t seen her since. She continues to text me, and insists she wants to see me. I am definitely confused, but should I be worried?

  • It's Maddie!@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    1·
    1 year ago

    Yeah that’s a huge red flag. Ethical non-monogamy can only work if everyone is open and honest with each other about things, and it definitely sounds like K and J are not on the same page on this

  • spankinspinach@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    1·
    1 year ago

    In my opinion, as a default, ENM is a harder version of relationships. Some individuals may say they’re fine with it so that they get to be with the person they like, but when the rubber hits the road, they are not - cue jealousy.

    Without further info, what I think I’m seeing here is J now has to decide if he’s okay with real ENM. And K has to decide if she’s truly ENM, likes one of you more, or is monogamous and telling herself she’s not (based on her decreased availability to OP). I agree with another comment that communication is absolutely key here, esp. if she wants to continue seeing both of you.

    My guess is J will tap out or push K to cut OP out. If it comes to that, she may pick J due to longer commitment. But as my GF says - if you cheat, go with the new blood - if you were happy you wouldn’t have needed another.

    Note/food for thought: my personal stance on ENM is that it’s less of a long-term solution than it is the dating version of FWB. No hate, I just don’t think on average it pans out better than FWB without extremely (read: beyond the average person’s) good communication and empathy. /endramble