I automatically read that sentence in AoStH Robotnik’s voice. I don’t know if he ever even said that, he’s just the ultimate example of the Card-Carrying Villain in my mind.

I think the absurdity is part of the joke, but you sound like me in that you enjoy your fiction in an incredibly literal way. I remember being into cartoons as a kid and needing grounded explanations for everything even though the characters’ lives essentially reset every 30 minutes.

Oh yeah also should have fucked that lil fry cook

My mom let all her kids go to school while living at home and paying very little towards bills. I really wanted to, but my older siblings convinced me not to. They couldn’t drive, so they’d have to drop out, and it’s not fair for the younger one to go to school first. But if I wait my turn, they’ll be able to help me.

Yeahhhh, my turn never came. I got disillusioned and moved out. I could never afford to go to school now. I don’t think any of them ever used their degrees anyway.

Every day I wish I’d told them to shove it, and done what I wanted to do.

Even our “relatable” characters never deal with housing insecurity, and their cars may have rust and dents but they’re reliable.

OK, there are a few things the internet wouldn’t let me forget.

How did I know she was from The Super Mario Super Show before reading the text? I have almost no memory of that show.

I feel ya. I very rarely replace my devices and the internet speeds suck where I live anyway, so 720p is my go-to.

In my brain 720 is standard and 1080 is fancy, until I watch something at a friend’s house and sometimes it looks so good it’s unsettling

OK so That Vegan Teacher shouldn’t really factor into the question because nothing she says is related to reality

I like hiking! I personally stick to easy/intermediate trails because I’m just there to enjoy the foliage and the animals, but it’s a nice use of extra time and energy.

Been trying to find a group to explore some of the riskier trails with because I know I’m missing some beautiful views, but yknow… scheduling

Wrestling, I’m not sure about, but a lot of people platonically snuggle. A lot of it is cultural and also down to your upbringing, but not everyone sees physical affection as something you can only get out of romantic relationships.

Isn’t that true for all kinds of jobs, not just sex work?

My niece is starting to get old enough that, even if I leave a note asking them to tell her I was in an accident, I think she’d catch on. We’re not super close but I’m not sure what it does to a kid’s psych to learn people in their family can do that. I have VERY strong feelings about people who refuse to protect children, so unfortunately I’m here for a while.

I have a love/hate relationship with summer. Climate change has made it so I don’t even want to go outside… but they schedule all the fun things in the summer! Local concerts! Farmers market! Outdoor movies! Craft festivals! Carnivals! I love all those things, I just hate sweating!

So summer is probably my least favorite, but also my favorite.

If you’re REALLY sure that ignoring the day would open the floodgates for retaliation, I’d text him or give a generic card. If he’s just gonna be angry and bitch at you, let him be angry and block his number.

If you’re currently in an abusive situation and possibly in harms way I think this might be beyond Lemmy’s paygrade, since we don’t know what sets him off. But it’s OK to play nice for the short term if it keeps you safe long enough to escape.

For now

The several years I pictured myself as Sonic the Hedgehog…

That’s so sweet!

Hey I have literally no advice, but as someone who similarly spirals over hypothetical anxieties, I don’t think you’re an awful person. I can see how a conversation about something high stakes like CPR could trigger that.

Navigate without a GPS. Really, do much of anything without consulting the internet first. There’s a lot of stuff I’m better than them at, but that’s because I’ve almost never had to learn without instructions.