I really don’t feel like existing anymore. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it’s such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.
Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn’t designed for life. Life is a game that I’m losing no matter what. A game didn’t even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.
I’m sorry you feel like this. I don’t know you, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I was depressed for a long time, too. Therapy helped. You’re right to think about the good things that may happen in the future, because there WILL be good things, just like there will be bad things. I don’t know the details of your situation, but I hope it gets better soon, and I hope you know that people care about you. I’m sure there are people in your life who love you and would miss you. And even if you can’t think of anyone who cares, here’s one internet stranger who does. Sending hugs to wherever you are tonight.
Good may happen to me but the good things require work I’m not capable of and bad things come free of charge and require you to actively get rid of them. It could be with maths, English, employment or education I’ve always been slower than everyone else. I love the thought of being loved so that keeps me sometimes but I feel like a steamroller in a car race with lamborghinis. I just want to give up.